Sabotage

sab·o·tage/ˈsabəˌtäZH/

Verb:

Deliberately destroy, damage, or obstruct (something).

My fear and wounds have the past have held me back. There are wounds that haven’t fully healed. And by not letting anyone in I was able to ignore them. While my friends have helped me move forward, it was my lovers who made me feel alive again. I’m not ashamed for how I chose to live my past few years. “I’m all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.”

Keeping people at a distance worked for a long time. But then it wasn’t enough anymore. I wanted to feel special. I wanted to feel that way so badly that I tried to make a “relationship” with The Pornstar into something that it wasn’t. I was willing to put up with someone who was so bad for me just so I could have someone to call mine. I mean he served other purposes very well, a quick fuck, a get away from work and school– he was good for that. But I was wanting him to fill a void that he was incapable of filling.

Then sneaky little Brad managed to break down those walls that I had built to keep people out. For the most part it has been great. Lately however, its been hard, really hard.

I already have a hard time trusting people and I have a fear of being forgotten. There have been incidents where he has hurt me in both those areas but they were so long ago.

But I can’t let them go. And this is where the insecurities sneak in…

I begin to remember how Jared never made time for me. I was always the last thing on the list. I remember how shitty he would make me feel. He made me feel incompetent, insecure, and unworthy. But I stayed. All things I know that I am not.

I have a tendency of sticking around even when I know I should get out. And I’m scared to put myself in that again. I know I overreact and flip out over little things because of that. I take everything as a sign it’s not going to work or why Brad is bad for me.

But those are lies. He is actually great for me.

I focus on the bad because I’m afraid I’m going to overlook it like I’ve done in the past. When I say what is bothering me out loud or share it with someone else, I realize how insignificant it really is. But that’s not enough for me to shake that feeling. So I let the hurt, fear, and anger take over. And for no real reason I begin to slowly destroy what we have.

You just focused on the bad stuff when all you had to do was, let go of the past and keep moving forward. –Lewis (Meet the Robinsons)

The distance doesn’t help. As the crazy self-sabotage wheels in my head are turning, he is unreachable. I do know he puts our relationship first. Something I haven’t ever experienced so it’s hard for me to believe its true. I know I have to get over what I’ve experienced in the past. And I have to quit punishing him and ruining what we have because I’m afraid. We still have a year of a long distance relationship to get through and there is not reason to make it harder than it has to be.

“If we listen to each other’s heart, we’ll find we’re never too far apart. And maybe love is the reason why.”

Standing in Mud

There have been a several rough days these past couple of months. Sometimes it feels like I”m sinking into mud and I

can’t get out. I struggle to see the light or find something to hold on to. Luckily I remember:

I have an incredible promise from God. And if you don’t know, God always stays constant to the promises He makes.  

God promises that if I will “wait on the Lord” that I will have my strength “renewed”, that I shall “mount up with wings as eagles”, that I shall “run, and not be weary” and “walk, and not faint.”

Isaiah 40:31,

 Basically it is saying that no matter what murky waters and mud I walk through in life, no matter if I understand it or not, no matter how bad it hurts sometimes…

 If I just stand in the middle of it with my arms open, faithful to my God, and just ‘wait’ or ‘hope’ in the Lord, that He promises to carry me through it…

To give me  undeniable strength like I never thought I would have.

His plan for me is bigger than my plan, and if it means that I have to crawl through the dirt and mud at times to stay with His plan…

I’m in. So Lord, here I am.

I’m in.

So Lord, here I am.  

I might not understand what You are up to, and to be perfectly honest, I don’t really care to be dragged through the  murky mud, but I am still ‘hoping’ and ‘waiting’ in You.

You are my refuge and my strength.

You are the Everlasting God.

I am not.

These Are The Thoughts

As one of my favorite Alanis Morissette songs goes:

These are the thoughts that go through my headin my backyard on a sunday afternoonwhen I have the house to myself and I am not expending all that energy on fightingwith my boyfriend.

I have spent my fair share of time these past couple of weeks just thinking about everything and anything. Things ranging from my work, relationship, friendships, education, goals, family, Oregon, but most of all how I ended up still in the midwest.

Work is going…not bad, not awesome just going. I don’t hate it so much as I have known for a while that I no longer wanted to stay in ResLife, yet I can’t seem to escape it. That’s frustrating.

I’ve been able to get involved in some projects, committees, and random meetings that help me be a part of things outside of the residence halls. I do feel challenged every now and then. Some times it is hard to tell whether I’m being challenged because its difficult and new, or because I am disinterested and don’t want to do it.

Is he the one that I will marry and why is it so hard to be objective about myself? why do I feel cellularly alone? am I supposed to live in this crazy city? Can blindly continued fear-induced regurtitated life-denying tradition be overcome?

Outside of work I don’t really have a life. I am on a mission to find something to fill my time between 5pm (or whenever i get off work) – bedtime. I know I should be working out but its been hard when I’ve been in a rut. 

I tell myself I should go explore the “city” but this city isn’t the safest place. I have been hesitant and scared to venture out by myself. There are a few nice spots that I have been to that I should invest more time in and hopefully I will. There is a place called the Oregon district (fate? we’ll see). I have looked online and found a few areas that hold some potential.

…Why do I say “I’m fine”when it’s obvious I’m not, why’s it so hard to tell you what I want? Why can’t you just read my mind?
Why do I fear that the quieter I am the less you will listen?

I currently feel that work is all I do because that is the only thing I have going on here. I have tried to talk to people about it here and their advice has been to get involved and connect more within the university. BAH!! They don’t get it.

I need something different. Something not tied to where I work…I already live there. I need a way to get away.

Why do I care whether you like me or not why’s it so hard for me to be angry? why is it such work to stay conscious and so easy to get stuckand not the other way around?

And here is the hardest thing to admit. I feel alone. I feel pathetic. I don’t have friends here. I get along with my colleagues but I would not include them in my close circle of friends. I will not confide in them. I won’t let loose around them. But they are the only interactions I have with people. I have no idea how to meet new people, let alone make them into friends.

Will I ever move back to Canada? Can I be with a lover with whom I am a student and a master, oh why am I encouraged to shut my mouthwhen it gets too close to home, why cannot I live in the moment?

Life here in midwest is a constant struggle. I can’t explain it except by saying the culture is drastically different. Even places that I know exist in Oregon are not the same here. Perhaps I am longing for something that no longer exists. Many of my friends are no longer located in the portland area. However everytime i drive or fly over the gorge and mount hood I can’t help but get an overwhelming sensation…I am home. I can romanticize about Portland forever. There is nothing better than walking along the waterfront with a coffee in my hand. I miss watching all the yuppies walk their dogs in the pearl district. I love shopping on 23rd. I miss getting lost in the shelves and floors of Powells books.I miss the life I used to have. The life I still have every time I return.

They say Home is where the heart is. And I can try and try to convince myself that I can live anywhere. But the truth is that my heart was swept away a long time ago. It began with trips dating back to middle school.

Luckily, I am not not completely alone. I have my wonderful Manfriend who I have been lucky enough to see every week. That is seriously what gets me through monday-friday, sometimes its only monday-thursday!

But what do I do Monday-Friday. I have decided to take up/restart my old hobbies. I will start painting/drawing/pretending to be creative again.

I want to take some cooking classes. Hopefully I can find a way to pay for those and my student loans all at the same time.

I have began researching things to do in the area in places I do not feel I will get assaulted or mugged.

I also plan on doing a better job at keeping in contact with my friends. I have seriously sucked at this part. I remember when I used to chat with them regularly and even have skype dates.

And last but not least, I will start running again. I need to get my lazy ass off the couch and get some endorphins going through my system.

No life isn’t ideal, but its not all bad. I still believe this is where I’m supposed to be even if some days its hard to see the good. But what would life be without growing pains?

Then Life Happens

Since I’ve left Oregon, actually even before that, I have had my eyes set on moving to the east coast (Boston or DC to be exact). When I was conducting my job search I was set on only looking at places on the East coast or any place where I wouldn’t be land locked or separated from civilization.

I packed everything I owned. So sure that I was leaving this small town life behind for good and not a single tear was falling. It took leaving for me to understand sometimes your dreams just aren’t what life has planned…

 But of course like anytime I have ever thought I knew where I was heading, God had something else in mind. I applied and interviewed for jobs on the east coast like crazy. I would hang up the phone feeling pretty confident but then I would get that dreadful email or letter saying they had filled the position. I began to feel discouraged and was about ready to call it quits. I told myself if July came around and I didn’t have a job I would either settle for anything (I even applied to Starbucks!) or move back to Oregon. God forbid I would end up living at home with a masters degree.

Now believe it or not, I wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around during this time. Luckily, the Manfriend is one of the most patient people I know. He even helped me look for jobs. While I looked at higher education websites, he did the dirty work of going to individual University’s HR pages to look at their postings. At this point I was doing a nation wide search. The Manfriend, however, limited his search to schools within a 200 mile radius.

Deciding I was willing to stay in the Midwest wasn’t the easiest decision. I spent my first year hating the area. Last year was better however, I know my heart belongs to the Pacific Northwest. I still want to attempt being an east coast gal for a while but Oregon might win that tug-o-war. Nevertheless, I knew (and so did the Manfriend) that if we were going to go all in and really do this I had to become a Midwest gal.

…That’s when I saw the brightest pair of deep blue eyes walking straight into my life. Every night we talked until it became so clear and I could feel those dreams inside shifting gears…because love brought me here

 Now here I am, I have my first full-time big girl job at a midsize, Midwest, not so middle of nowhere university. I missing Oregon like crazy. And the Manfriend and I are going on six months. Every now and then a voice inside me makes me questions what I’m doing here. You’re moving way to fast, you should have moved back to the Pacific Northwest, you are in over your head with this job, why didn’t you take that job in Virginia? Every now and then I have to stop, take a deep breathe, and just let it all sink in. While it’s scary, sometimes lonely, and a bit overwhelming,  like any kind of stretching and growing there’s going to be a little bit of discomfort. This may not have been what I had planned, but life (and love) happened, and I strongly believe I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

Remember those walls I built…

Remember those walls I built well baby they’re tumbling down.

“To love at all is to be made vulnerable” Sometimes I just don’t know if I have that in me anymore. Ever since him who shall not be named I’ve fought so hard to not let someone in. I would purposely date, hook up, sleep, fuck guys who there would be no real future with.

“That’s the thing though. I did find love.
I believed that there was someone out there for me.
And I met him, finally… And then everything just fell apart.
And I’m worried…I, I’m afraid that he took away my ability to believe.
And I hate him for that. Because I always believed before.
And now I just feel lost. And I am, I’m trying to put myself out there,
but I feel hopeless”

I told myself I was fine. I pretended like I fell off the horse and then got right back on. But I never did. I made it seem like I was no longer afraid of horses or riding again. If dating were horses I did everything but get back on the saddle. I would pet them, feed them, but never let myself get strapped in again. And then my Manfriend came along. Believe me he cold have easily become another fling. Thankfully due to other circumstances (such as work, his gf), alcohol and late night visits did not allow me to put myself in that situation. Instead I actually got to know him and found out he is actually a great person with an even better heart. He was there for me when Snelly died. I didn’t let anyone near me during that time. I locked myself up in my apartment but he wouldn’t let me push him away. No matter how hard I tried to keep him out he was able to break down those walls.

Every now and then I catch myself trying to build those walls back up. I will try to push him away or find some reason why it won’t work out, after all that’s what has always happened before. Sometimes I feel lost. Like I’m not ready or meant to be in relationship. That these past two years have made me into someone who can’t compromise, who can’t give up any bit of her independence and let someone else in. Luckily, I have found someone who helps me through those insecurities and calls me out on my shit and my crazies. While I don’t think the walls (or excuses) I’ve built will be gone tomorrow, we are making progress every day.

If I Knew Then…

For the past two years I’ve been bitching and whining about living in the Mid West and longing for the day when I would finally leave this place. Well surprise! I am officially a Mid Western. I have given up my Pacific Northwest residency and accepted a full-time position in the Mid West. Time to give up my Oregon license plates and driver’s license for another “O” state.

In addition to expressing my plans to escape the mid west as soon as possible, I have consistently expressed my distaste for relationships. Surprise #2!!

Yes. This is my Manfriend. for those who know of my relationship phobia know using the term boy/manfriend is a big deal.

I have fallen for a guy from a small town in Indiana. Normally at this point I would let you know about the mind blowing sex we have (which we do) and how I have successfully avoided any real intimacy (in this case I haven’t). However, instead I will let you know that I am the happiest I have been in a long time. I didn’t think I would find someone who would put up with my crazies and call me out of my nonsense. I certainly didn’t think I would find him here.

Even though I didn’t expect either of those things to happen this year I am thrilled that they occurred. Although the Pacific Northwest will always be my first love, the Midwest (and my Midwest lover) are proving to me more and more each day that I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

This Time Around

The Porn Star and I have not seen each other as often since I’ve moved back to Indiana. My life really is better without him in it. He also has terrible timing. As soon as I begin to adjust to my life without him, well, that’s the time he decides to find his way back into it. After a few text back and forth I convince myself it would be okay to see him. That this time it will be different. Not that he will be different but that I won’t allow myself to be mind fucked like every other time before. For the most part I am successful. I am no longer thinking he will meet all of the expectations I have.

Since I’ve moved back to Indiana, I realized I didn’t need the Porn Star in my life. That was a pretty big realization considering how he was one of the few things that helped me survive my first year in Indiana. This time around I am actually happy with my school, work, friends, etc that I don’t need him to make things better.

He is still bipolar. I’ve learned to not take it personally but I still get pissed.  I still get the drunk calls, texts, IMs but I have learned to ignore them.  I still enjoy having sex with him but something he said has made me question whether we will continue to be fuck buddies.

Him and I had not established any rules about our “relationship.” I had a “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy. After one of his bipolar episodes where I wouldn’t here from him for an undetermined amount of time there might occasionally be some other guy in the picture or in my bed. But as soon as the Porn Star was back in the picture no one else was allowed in my panties.

The Porn Star also never trusted me. He was always accusing me of sleeping and dating other people. I supposed I can’t get too angry about these accusations except the times I was being accused of these things he was always wrong. He’s the jealous type and I just can’t handle that. He’s also insecure which is even worse.

Anyway, during one of his jealous episodes he told me he felt “weirded out” by the idea of me dating other guys. He told me he didn’t want to keep hanging out if I was going on dates. This made me furious. It was a major WTF moment. This my friends is what we call a double standard.

He does go on dates. He even tells me about them. He’ll tell me where they went, how they went, and when the girl doesn’t quit calling. When he brings it up, the first thing he tells me is that nothing happened to them, that they didn’t kiss or touch in anyway. He’ll also tell me when girls hit on him in a bar. Now while the Porn Star is very hot and looks and hangs out with those type of guys at the bar, he doesn’t pick girls up at bar. He doesn’t know how. He is awkward, get’s nervous, and during your initial conversation with him you might think he was gay. However, girls do come up to him and offer him their number.

I spent Thanksgiving night with him. I was still irritated about what he had said to me even though he had apologized for accusing me of dating other guys. After that night I wasn’t able to sleep. I was stressed out about school and would lay in my bed thinking about every thing which led to me analyzing my relationship with the Porn Star. At 2:30 am he began to blow up my phone. This made me even more restless and angry. I finally decided it had to stop. A week later I purchased new bedding. And then just to spite the fact that he didn’t want me to see other guys I had sex with one of my man friends. Which was a mistake because he guy actually has feelings for me. Oppsies. Not my intentions to hurt this guys feelings.

I haven’t seen the Porn Star since Thanksgiving. I have heard from him but I’m doing my best to not invite him over. We can be friends but let’s face it, him and I do not have much in common. So we’ll see how it goes.

I’ll admit right now, I miss him. I spent this past weekend in Indianapolis so he was on my mind a lot. I stayed with a friend (a female friend, just in case you’re like the Porn Star and need clarification) who lives in the Southside less than a mile from the Porn Star’s current residence (he is staying with his grandma these days). I may have even ran into his mother at the store. She came up and told me she liked my boots. We’ve never met. I’m fairly certain she doesn’t even know I exist. Then we drove by his old apartment complex. Turns out I have another friend who lives there. Basically every where we went the Porn Star and I had been there together. It would be nice to see him before I left for the holidays but I doubt that will happen. But you know what? I will be okay anyway!

A year ago the mind (and other) fucking began.

I still haven’t heard from the Porn Star since he picked a fight with me last week. Although I should be used to this by now I’m still hurt.

One-because I do care about him.
Two-because I don’t like people to be mad at me
Three- because he’s wrong and I’m right.
Four- I didn’t do anything
Five-  I don’t like that he’s bipolar
Six- I don’t like that I’m disposable to him
Seven-  I just want to have sex with him. Is that too much to ask for?

I’m a grown up

Oh shit…

I have been signed up for the last classes I will take at IU and for a few years. Wish I could say these are the last classes I will ever take since that would be more dramatic but Dr. Lily sounds too good to pass up so registar I will see you again because a masters is just not enough.

However all of a sudden it has hit me that I am about to enter the “real world.” First of all I hate that saying. I feel like it makes all my previous experiences insignificant or less “real.” Nevertheless I will be entering the working world without the safety net of school in about 7 months.

I am in the job market. I’m afraid that maybe I’m not qualified for the jobs I want. Which to be honest I’m probably not. That is because I don’t want an entry level job because those are not as appealing. I guess what is scariest part is that perhaps there isn’t a job out there I will want and be happy with. I say this every time I’m about to look for a different job–I don’t want to be in reslife anymore. It is not that I don’t or have not enjoyed my past five years but in order to get to where I want to be I have to get out and gain experience in other places.

Now the tricky part–in order to get experience I have to get jobs that want me to already have experience in those jobs. Bah! I know it isn’t impossible because of transferrable skills and blah blah blah.

Although when I think about it I begin to shake in my cute boots, the longer I think about it I remember that everything will be okay.

Why? Because I’m over confident and believe I’m destined for greatness or at the very least to reach my goals.

And I’m back

I took another long accidental vacation from blogging but I’m back and will start my list back up.

Short term goals for the month:

1: be on time for my morning class
This one shouldn’t be so difficult except I have still haven’t timed the bus schedule just right so i end up waiting for it for a long time and then I’m 3-5 minutes late for class.

2. Start working out again.
I took a three week break and I am just getting lazier and lazier. At first it was because I wasn’t feeling well. Then it was because I got to busy & exhausted. Then Chelsea was in town. Now I’m sick again.

3. Cooking for myself again.
I stopped for the same reasons as #2. I know what i need to do in order to make these things happen. I just need to put them into my schedule. If I make them a part of my regular routine and make it fit into my schedule then I won’t find reasons to avoid it (at least not as easily).

4. Do my homework.
I have barely done any school work. This is because I am used to doing school work at a coffee shop off campus. But now I live in a place with no such place.  I should try to find a place in one of the larger towns. That way I can get out of the castle. Again this will require putting it into my schedule.

5. Put numbers 1-4 in my schedule.
For any of you that know me you’ll know that when it comes to work and school I love planners and to do lists. Sometimes I write stuff on my to do list that I have already done just so I can cross it off.